A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from Frederick's largest Irish Pub.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called the owner to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $750,000 you have not given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The Pub Owner mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, "Um... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology but was cut off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the Pub Owner’s voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The volunteer, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the Pub Owner cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?"

16 E. Patrick Street, Frederick Maryland 21701
Frederick Phone Number: 301-668-0668
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Welcome to Maryland
Set your watch back 20 years.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
The statement below is true..
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
    and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
    and
It's all organized by the Italians.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
I'm not your type..
I'm not inflatable.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
When you work at Patrick's,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car..
As our barman was driving down Rt. 70, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his girlfriend’s voice urgently warning him,
"Steve, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Rt 70. Please be careful!"
 
"It's not just one car," said Steve. "It's hundreds of them!"
Bill and Cathy had been in an asylum for the mentally ill for years with no release in sight.

Then one day while enjoying some R&R at the asylum’s swimming pool, Bill slipped and fell. Bill hit his head against the side of the pool and slid effortlessly to the bottom of the deep end.

Cathy, seeing Bill’s limp motionless body at the bottom of the pool, jumped it. She swam to the bottom, grabbed Bill and pulled him to safety.

Jolene, a senior member of the asylum’s staff watched in amazement. She quickly came to the conclusion, “Cathy isn’t the social outcast and misfit that was once thought! Cathy showed in that one act the ability to think out situations and respond to stressful situations!” Jolene decided to meet with Cathy to discuss her release into society.

But before their meeting, tragedy struck, and it was up to Jolene to break the news.
Jolene said, “Cathy, I have some good news and some bad news. Because of your actions in saving Bill from drowning, we are releasing you, you are free to go.”

Cathy’s face turned into a questing expression when she asked, “Is that the bad news?”

Jolene responded, “No Cathy, that was the good news, the bad news is that Bill has passed away. He hung himself in the shower.”

Cathy responded, “Na, he didn’t do that, I just hung him up there to dry!”

.
Old age is 'when you still have something on the ball,  
but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you,
we'd both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning.  Can you believe that?  2:30 AM!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.  I said, "You're pulling my leg."
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his index finger up my butt. 
Do you think I should change dentists?
My Mother in Law said, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."  I said, "What do you expect?  You're in a wheel chair!"
Bob’s wife has been missing for a week now.  The police told him to prepare for the worst.  So he went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
I was explaining to my x-wife that when you die you get reincarnated, but you must come back as a different creature.  She said, "I would like to come back as a cow."  I said, "You're obviously not listening." 
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...

I mean, seriously ... wouldn't you just keep drinking?
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra & panties.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.